


Watching Through the Window

by 2_Ava



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Although lots of fluffy moments, Angsty fatherhood, Character Death, It's also in the prologue, M/M, So it's not going to be a shock, as well as their kidlets, between the boys, but like, it's the one everyone knows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2020-11-28 11:40:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20965967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2_Ava/pseuds/2_Ava
Summary: John and Brian were together for 14 years before it all finally unraveled. Whilst no separation is easy, John and Brian never lost a mutual respect for each other; and they both always had someone to go home to - until... Brian didn’t anymore.Brian hates having to watch Roger and John play happy family. Roger feels so close, yet so far from the fatherhood he’s always longed for. John is torn between what’s right in front of him, and leaving Brian behind. Freddie could have made it all right, if only…





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> So here's my newest fic! Also, go check out the update on I've Got Everything I Need. 
> 
> I should have up a new one shot for HMO Universe this week, but I'm also super keen to get back into ANY writing, because it's definitely what's been missing from my life, so definitely send through any suggestions or even requests?!
> 
> Much love, Ava :) x

Even throughout everything, Brian and John were amicable. They had settled on a fair custody agreement - knowing they were both content to let each other father their children. In those early days, Roger and Freddie had played huge roles in looking after the kids when Brian and John had meetings with attorneys, neither of them wanting their children to be even remotely involved. Every court proceeding was finalised unofficially outside the courtroom with a hug and an “I love you” before they both went home to their respective lovers. Dropping the kids off at one another’s houses for weekly visits often turned into cups of tea that lengthened into lunches and dinners betwixt the four of them.

**………… August, 1988 ………… **

This particular evening, Brian had arrived home late from court - having stopped to grab a quick bite with John - to where Freddie had the kids. Freddie and the twins were cuddled up on the couch watching a movie while Thomas slept in his bed. As soon as Brian had quietly closed the door behind him, the girls had come running over, both clamouring up their father to say hello.

“Hello, my little princesses; shouldn’t you be asleep?” He questioned, smiling widely at the girls before giving Freddie a bit of a look. Freddie smirked back at his boyfriend before standing up himself to meet them. 

“Little darlings missed you… I told them they could wait up until you got home.” Freddie whispered, before moving to peck Brian’s lips gently. After Freddie had pulled away, both Elizabeth and Victoria leant is to kiss Brian’s face, mimicked Freddie as they did so. 

“Did you have a good week at papa’s?” Brian asked the girls, pecking both of their foreheads as Victoria climbed over to Freddie’s arms. They both nodded and began to ramble about their weeks, most of it illegible with both of them talking. Brian listened nonetheless, until it appeared they were finished. “That sounds great, princesses… but it’s bedtime.” Brian whispered, carrying them both to their bedroom. Once he had shut the door behind him, he waltzed over to Freddie, wrapping a long arm around the shorter man. “How are you feeling?” He whispered. 

“Better now you’re home.” Freddie grinned, kissing Brian gently. Brian’s smile widened a little before it plateaued ever so slightly. 

“But seriously, Freddie…” Brian said softly, pulling the man tighter against him. 

“A little tired… nothing major to report, my dear. You have to worry less.” Freddie chuckled. “How was court?” He questioned, pulling away a little to look Brian in the eye better. 

“It was fine; I think we’re well on our way to settling 50/50.” Brian said quietly. “John did mention - afterwards - he’s been struggling with not having the kids around all the time.” He said quietly, his fingers tracing mindless circles over Freddie back. 

“He’s not getting full custody… they’re our kids too.” Freddie said seriously, but with no malice. 

“Our kids?” Brian grinned, eyeing Freddie playfully. 

“Yes, dear; yours, mine, Roger’s, John’s… one big happy family.” Freddie smirked, standing on his tiptoes to kiss Brian.

**................**

That’s exactly what they were - they were a happy family despite the separation and the unbearable court summons. They never stopped being a band; a team; a family. Brian and John has even joked after court one day about how they were happier now than they’d ever been.

That was, until Freddie got sick. More often, John and Roger would take the kids on Brian’s weeks so they wouldn’t have to see him ailing so badly. Court orders were postponed time and time again until eventually, Brian and had told John to sort it out for them - Brian’s complete absence calling for far less than a 50/50 split. Weekly brunches and Friday dinners as a big family became fewer and fewer until they no longer held a place on the calendar. The kids often questioned why they couldn’t stay at dads anymore - and John struggled to no end to explain to six and four year olds why such was the case. 

After all was said and done, Brian spent the next two weeks at John and Roger’s house, unable to set foot in the abode he once shared with Freddie. It took a month before John and Roger had convinced Brian to clean the apartment, only to have to put the kids in daycare in order to help him through it. Of course Freddie’s death was hurting them all, but John could see how Brian was very much letting the grief and loneliness swallow him whole.

**………… January, 1992 ………… **

John and Roger has bought the kids over for the day - trying to keep the connection for them - when John finally brought up what had been on his mind for months

“Do you maybe wanna take the kids this weekend? Maybe it’d be good to keep you engaged?” John said softly, looking out Brian’s kitchen window to where Roger was playing soccer with Thomas - as best as the five year old could manage. Brian glanced up at John and couldn’t even muster a smile. 

“Do you think that’s a good idea? I don’t even think I can look after myself right now.” Brian muttered. John gave him a sad smile; he’d always admired how self-reflective and honest Brian was with how he saw himself - but in such a case as this, it just hurt his heart. 

“I think having them here will force you to stay focused on them... I think that’s good.” John reasoned, trying his best not to sound like he was coddling Brian. “And if anything goes awry, Roger and I are just five minutes down the road.” John added, running a careful hand through Brian’s curls to get them out of his face. Brian just sounded a loud groan, causing Elizabeth and Victoria to look over from where they’d been colouring. 

“I can’t believe I can’t even look after my own children.” Brian muttered, placing his head frustratedly in his hands. John sighed softly, but not in frustration. 

“It’s been a long couple of months. We’re all feeling it, and it’s okay…” John said softly, his hand still carefully carding through Brian’s tresses. 

“Oh yeah? Tell me, when did you completely zone out and forget your kids existed?” Brian mumbled, distress making itself evident through the tears welling in his eyes. 

“Everyone deals with grief in different ways, Brian… it’s fine.” John said sweetly, glancing over at the girls, who had turned their attention back to their colouring.

“You don’t have to sugar coat it, John; I’m a terrible father.” Brian whispered, pulling away from John’s gentle hand. John’s brows furrowed, and within an instant, he was standing a little taller. 

“Now wait just a damn minute, Brian.” John snapped, causing Elizabeth and Victoria to turn for their father’s stern voice that they knew too well. “You are a wonderful father.” John stated serious, crouching down as best he could to grip Brian’s face and force the older man to look at him. “You are wonderful, and your kids need you. They need their dad.” John whispered, eyeing his ex-’husband’ down seriously. “Now, I’m going to drop them off after school on Friday and Roger and I will be over on Sunday for dinner, and we’ll take them home then.” John said seriously, giving Brian a look he’d spent many years rolling his eyes to; this time, he just nodded sheepishly. 

Later that evening they were all basking in the warmth of Brian’s fireplace, the kids playing with their new Christmas presents as Roger entertained them with silly voices. John and Brian were sitting in adjacent armchairs, observing as they sipped on their tea. John was smiling fondly at Roger and the kids, before a soft noise - almost a muted hum - escaped Brian’s throat; John turned to the older man with raised and inquisitive eyebrows. 

“I know you two struggle not having them around all the time…” Brian stated, his grin almost a little sad as his eyes flicked from John to the kids and Roger. 

“Yeah…” John muttered, staring into his tea with a glumly thoughtful expression. “But, it seems like you do too.” He added, glancing up at Brian. 

“I guess…” Brian replied, his voice delicate and tentative. “I just don’t like when the house is so quiet and empty.” He mumbled, unable to maintain eye contact with John and his knowing expression. “It was never quiet with Freddie around… you know?” Brian mumbled, fiddling with the handle of his teacup. 

“Yeah…” John whispered. “I know.” He added, glancing Brian up and down. “You’re doing a really good job… and we’re always here for you.” John smiled sweetly at Brian before placing a gentle hand over the older man’s own hand. There were a few beats of calm silence before Brian spoke up again. 

“I know you said when Freddie got sick… you weren’t going to keep going with Queen…” Brian started; his voice was tentative and unsure. John bit lip and glanced towards Roger and the kids, to ensure they weren’t listening. “Did you mean that?” Brian added, trying his best to give John a supportive smile. John nodded slightly before removing his hand from Brian’s; the older man was quick to flip his hand and grasp John’s own. “I don’t… I don’t mind - you need to do what’s best for you, John.” Brian whispered, giving John’s hand a quick kiss. John quirked a half-smile at Brian and nodded. 

“I just… I don’t want to miss the kid’s lives; they’re going to be grown up before we know it, and I don’t want their only recollection of their childhood to be sitting on the side of a stage… that’s not fair.” John muttered. Brian nodded a little, glancing past John to where the kids were now using Roger a jungle-gym. 

“I get that…” Brian whispered, his thumb stroking small circles over John’s hand as they watched their children.

**................**

In the next few years, John realised he had had good reason to not want to be away - seeing how much his kids grew while Roger and Brian were busy on the road. Between the press, benefit gigs and award shows, Brian and Roger had not been home for more than half-a-week at a time. When time finally allowed them both the liberty of being home, Roger had successfully assimilated back into his life as a doting step-father. Brian had spent the first week home, alone in his house and wishing he were back on tour. He didn’t speak to anyone, unless it was John calling so that the kids could talk to him on the phone; and it wasn’t until John had called him over for lunch that he’d even left the house.

**………… January, 1995 ………… **

“I feel more like their weird uncle than I do their father.” Brian muttered, staring angrily into the sink as he washed dishes. They had just finished lunch, and John and Brian had stayed back to clean up while Roger took the kids to the park for a bit. “It’s not like they even really need me… they have you and Roger; two dads is more than enough.” Brian whispered.

“Brian, please just listen to me.” John pleaded, turning towards Brian and gripping his arm lightly. “You and I are parents to Elizabeth, Victoria and Thomas - end of; not Roger - not anyone else. Roger isn’t their father, and I assure you they don’t see him like that; he’s just Roger - you’re they’re dad.” John explained, his hands now either side of Brian’s cheek and his eyes staring his ex-’husband’ down calmly. Brian chewed on his lip nervously as the silence between them became paramount. Finally, Brian took a deep breath to speak up. 

“Can I take the kids this weekend?” Brian said softly, receiving a wide smile from John as the younger man nodded. 

“Take them home with you now.” John whispered, lifting himself onto his toes a little to peck Brian’s cheek. Brian nodded slightly, his smile grateful.

**................**

John sat slowly onto the couch, having just said goodbye to the kids as they piled into Brian’s car. Immediately, Roger’s arm was around the younger man, lips peppering kisses against his forehead. The pair remained like that for a short while, staring mindlessly at the television until Roger spoke up.

“I heard you talking to Brian…” Roger said softly, turning towards John a little. “About… about how the kids are his and I’m not-” John was quick to spring forth and cut his fiance off, facing him with concern on his face. 

“Roger, I didn’t mean it-” Roger placed a careful hand quickly on John’s knee 

“No, it’s okay; I get it - they’re not my kids, and nothing is going to change that.” Roger said assuredly. “They have two wonderful fathers who love them.” Roger confirmed, placing his hand in John’s. “I just hope you know… I love them too - a lot.” He whispered. John was quick to nod happily. 

“I know you do, Rog.” He responded, before allowing the room to fall silent. John couldn’t help but shift a little, nervously stressing about the words Roger had heard him say to Brian. The silence around them stretched far longer than necessary, before Roger spoke up again, this time not turning to face John. 

“They’re the closest I’m ever going to get…” He muttered, unmoving and his voice doing little to suggest how he was really feeling. “I’m not saying I want to be a dad of the year, or get presents on Father’s Day. I just… I wish you’d let me… be more of a parent, rather than just Roger.” Roger muttered, his expression reading a little hurt from what John could see. “I did help raise them… I do more as a parent than Brian does.” He whispered the last part almost inaudibly, but John knew; there had been a few times that Roger had gotten angry enough about something - sometimes unrelated - to blurt out his displeasure at Brian’s sometimes shaky involvement in the kids’ lives.

“Roger.” John stated quickly, trying to nip Roger’s tangent in the bud before it became a little too sinister. “I can’t do that to Brian; you’re an amazing step-father and the kids adore you… but as long as Brian is keeping himself together for these kids… I can’t do that to him.” John said softly, turning to wrap his arms tightly around him. “I know you love them - and they love you very much.”

Roger went to bed that night feeling a little bit disgruntled, knowing the kids he helped raise - his kids - were in their beds at someone else’s house - the man they called dad - and there wasn’t a thing he could do. 

John went to sleep thinking about how desperately he wanted he happy little family back; he wanted all his ducks in a row - Brian and Roger included. But, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to make everyone happy - and it hurt him deeply to his core. 

Brian went to sleep on the left side of the bed - same side he’d always been. It didn’t matter than someone no longer occupied the right side, he’d never bring himself to sleep there. Even when, that night, Victoria came running in to her dad’s room, tears on her little cheeks from a bad dream, Brian makes sure he holds her tight - on his side of the bed.


	2. Temporary Fix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John helps Brian feel a bit better - but it's gamble as to how long it'll last. John himself feels like he's so busy trying to piece his family back together, that he's hardly even in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the response I've already received. Just a heads up that this fic is probably going to be a shorter one, so it'll be moving quite quickly. Please, let me know what you think and if there's any aspects you'd like to see. 
> 
> Much love, Ava :) x

It was Monday morning; John was just leaving the house to get some groceries when he received a call from the school, asking about the kids’ unexplained absences. After apologising profusely, John got in the car and headed to Brian’s. He reached the large house, seeing Brian’s car still in the driveway as he headed to the front door. He let out a hefty sigh as he unlocked the door, having made Brian give him a key the last time he’d stopped answering his phone. He pushed the door open, shutting it behind him as he stepped inside. 

“Brian?” John called, looking around the house. “Tori? Beth? It’s papa.” He continued as he headed further inside. As he came closer he saw the two girls running down the stairs. 

“Papa!” They both said excitedly, walking quickly into John’s arms. 

“Hi sweeties - where’s your dad?” John questioned, hugging them both. 

“He’s upstairs.” Victoria said softly. “We didn’t wake up in time to get to school - we’re sorry.” She added, looking at her feet and seemingly expecting to be scolded. 

“It’s alright, dear. You two go into the lounge room - I’m going to go speak to your father.” John whispered, kissing the tops of both of their heads before pushing them gently towards the living room. John quickly made his way upstairs, trying to stop himself from seething with anger. He’d very specifically told Brian that if he had the kids this week, he had to make sure he was getting them to school. The last time Brian had the kids on school days, they missed a whole four days before one of the teachers' contacted John - he had since asked to be informed when they didn’t make it to school. John was just about ready to scream at Brian when he pushed open the older man’s bedroom door to see him curled up tightly on his bed. As he took a few steps closer he noticed his hair was a mess, and his lips were so dry it looks like he hadn’t had a drop of water in days. John wondered if he’d even been out of bed since he had gotten home with the kids on Friday night. John sighed shakily and sat beside Brian, his anger suddenly dissipating; he leant down and shook the older man awake. 

“Brian.” He mumbled, deciding to pinch at Brian’s arm when the shaking wasn’t working. “Get up.” He spat, malice in his voice but tears in his eyes. Brian groaned as he rolled over, looking at John. 

“What are you doing here? Did I forget to pick the kids up?” Brian asked croakily. John rolled his eyes a little as he - somewhat forcibly - pulled Brian up to a sitting position. 

“The kids are _here_.” John snapped. “You forgot to take them to school.” John mumbled, reaching for the shirt on the bed so that he could put it on Brian. He grunted softly once he caught a whiff of it, throwing it in Brian’s - mostly unused - wash basket. John stood up and went to Brian’s wardrobe, grabbing out some clean clothes and heading back over to his ex-lover. “Please put some proper clothes on, and come downstairs and have something to eat.” John whispered, kissing Brian’s forehead. “If you’re not down in five minutes, I’m putting your guitar in the dishwasher.” John teased, giving Brian a small wink before he walked away. 

Thankfully, his threat was enough to have Brian downstairs in a humble three minutes. John had already started making tea. Thomas had practically begged for French toast, so John was in the process of trying to make such when Brian’s cupboard had nothing more than mouldy bread and a jar of marmite. As Brian reached the kitchen counter, John pat the bar stool beside him, handing over a cup of tea, as well as two aspirin. 

“I’m making French toast - well, I’m trying. When was the last time you bought groceries?” John asked, trying his best not to sound like he was scolding. He watched as Brian shrugged, the look of guilt on the older man’s face hurting his heart. “That’s okay - I need to go to the shops for home anyway, we’ll go together.” John whispered, placing his hand on Brian’s back before kissing his forehead gently. He glanced down to where Elizabeth was standing - chin on the breakfast bar - watching them. John sighed softly at the realisation, as he walked around to where she was standing. Unfortunately, John thought, he’d managed to raise Elizabeth to be just like him - she was very inquisitive and loved to learn, but was also very sensitive, and sometimes paranoid. “I’m sorry, honey.” John whispered, leaning down to pick up the small ten year old. 

“Are you and daddy-” She began, swiftling being cut off by John. 

“No, honey. Papa already told you: just because I give daddy kisses doesn’t mean daddy and papa are going to live together again.” John whispered, a little sadly as he held her flush to his body and pressed a kiss into her hair. Elizabeth had asked a million times - lately even more so - when John and Brian were going to live together again, and it broke John’s heart to try and explain to a ten year old that she’d likely forever be splitting her time between the two of them. He also never mentioned the prospect that if such no longer occurred, it would likely be because Brian had lost it all together. 

“Can we all live together?” Elizabeth mumbled, reaching up to play with her father’s hair, Victoria - ever-attentive and full of beans - was standing beside John, looking up at them, as if awaiting the answer to the same question. 

“No, darling.” John whispered, a guttural sob just waiting to burst out of his throat. 

“Why not?” Elizabeth questioned, small hands on her father’s cheeks; as if staring at him with her big blue eyes might change his mind - if John had been any less stubborn, he might have. John had thought about it - he’d thought about how just letting Brian live with them would mean he could see the kids, but they might actually get to school, not to mention he and Roger could keep an eye on the fragile man. He’d only semi-verbalised it Roger and Brian about three years ago, both of them quick to shut it down. 

“Because, papa lives with Roger, and daddy…” He began, only to trail off when he didn’t really have an alternative for Brian. Daddy had no one? Daddy can’t even get out of bed in the morning? 

“Daddy used to live with Freddie!” Victoria said confidently, causing John to look down at her with a forced smile. Victoria and Thomas - on the other hand - felt like all the little parts of Roger turned into his kids. They were both rambunctious, and head-strong - though he wasn’t looking forward to seeing them potentially get Roger’s temper, too. John nodded a little at Victoria, not wanting to crush her obvious spirit, but it wasn’t exactly a conversation he wanted to have in front of Brian. 

“Until he went to heaven.” The small voice beside his ear added. He glanced at Elizabeth and nodded, pecking her cheek as he slowly put her down. John and Roger were very open with the kids, obviously needing to explain death to them at a very young age. They’d always made sure the kids felt comfortable asking questions about Freddie at home, and that it was okay to feel a lot of things about it - or even to feel nothing at all, considering how young they were when he passed. But, they’d never mentioned how such a conversation wasn’t met with the same openness at Brian’s house, considering when John looked to Brian, it was as if his soul had left his body. 

“You know what.” John grinned, looking at the kids pooled around his legs. “Why don’t we go and get some McDonalds breakfast?” He questioned, false-excitement in his voice. The three kids cheered, not alike they’d just won the lottery. John smiled genuinely and turned to Brian. “C’mon.” He whispered, grinning sweetly at him. Brian quickly shook his head. 

“I’m good.” Brian mumbled, eyes glued to the marble benchtop of the breakfast bar. 

“It wasn’t a question.” John replied, but with no disdain in his voice. “We’ll grab some groceries while we’re at it; you ever tried to grocery shop with the kids? It’s a two person job.” John smirked, moving over to the sink to put his own cup of tea in the sink; he glanced at Brian’s to see it half-empty, and he was content with that. John placed his hand around the mug and held it up to Brian, as if to ask if he was going to drink any more; Brian shook his head and John moved to the sink with the rest of it. “Can you ask the kids to go and put their shoes on - and get Thomas to change out of his pyjamas?” John said back to Brian, who was still staring into nothingness. Brian nodded a little, pushing himself off the barstool and moving to find the children who had dispersed back to wherever their toys were. John smiled down at the sink, deciding that was enough for him to be proud of Brian; he was however, very aware that without him standing over the older man, practically forcing him to be a father, it was unlikely it would continue. 

It wasn’t that Brian was a bad father - not by any means at all. When he and Freddie took the kids a week at a time, he was exemplary. Even now, when he was in a good headspace, he was father of the year; it was just unfortunate that such a headspace never stayed around for more than a few hours. John would never deny Brian what he deserved as their father - he’d never done anything that suggested he didn’t love them, and his own demons were yet to affect the children. Yet… John did worry what would happen once the kids became teenagers; whether they would begin to mimic Brian’s behaviour, or feel as if they had to look after their own father - both alternatives made his stomach churn. He wanted his children to be children - they’d already had their lives completely uprooted - twice; and he was certain it likely wasn’t easy being the children of a famous rock band famous for AIDs and bigamy. 

Brian came back a few minutes later, sitting back on the barstool, but turning to face John. 

“How’d you go?” John queried, looking back over his shoulder at Brian. John had taken it upon himself to do the rest of Brian’s dishes, some of which looked like they’d been sitting there for weeks. 

“Alright.” Brian mumbled. “Thomas wouldn’t go get dressed unless he could be Spiderman.” He added, a soft smile on his face - John was glad he turned around quick enough to catch it. 

“That’s alright - the other day, he demanded to leave the house dressed as ALF.” John chuckled, receiving the same reaction from Brian. 

“Did you need help?” Brian muttered, standing up and moving a little closer. John smiled over at him. 

“You can dry.” He whispered, gesturing to the tea towel on the bench. Brian nodded and began drying the dishes John had washed. They washed in silence for a few minutes, but John couldn’t help himself, considering it was the most like a person Brian had been in months. “You need to go see someone, Bri.” He muttered, glancing over to see Brian’s face had soured. 

“It’s been five years, John.” He mumbled, aimlessly running the tea towel over a plate as he stared at the splashback. 

“Exactly.” John said clearly, ignoring the dishes for a moment and turning to Brian. “It’s been five years and you still can’t get out of bed for the sake of your own children.” John added, his voice sounding pleading, rather than nagging. Brian let out a shaky sigh as his eyes dropped to his feet. 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, his voice shaky. John expelled air, his face settling into a frown as he dried his hands, just wanting to give Brian a hug. “Maybe you should… maybe the kids should stay with you guys from now on.” Brian whispered, and John could see how it was killing Brian to suggest he not see his kids anymore. 

“No.” John said quickly and certainly. “Brian, you can barely keep it together when three little children are depending on you. I don’t want to know what’ll happen to you when they’re not.” John explained, and that prospect was one that scared even Brian. “It’s important that you’re still in their life - you’re their father.” 

“Roger’s a great dad.” Brian whispered; it seemed like a largely disconnected statement to what they were talking about, but John knew where it fit - and it was a sore spot. 

“Roger’s a great step-dad.” John corrected, placing a - now dry - hand on Brian’s arm. “No one is ever going to replace you.” He added, squeezing his arm tightly. “I need you to do this for me, and for the kids - but mostly for yourself. I need you to step up and be there for them. Not for a few hours or a weekend - every day.” John said sternly, but anyone in the room could have felt the love between them. 

“I’m sorry.” Brian whispered meekly, unable to look John in the eye. John gripped Brian’s chin, lifting his head a little to look at him. 

“Don’t be sorry - be better.” John whispered, a soft smirk playing on his lips. Brian smiled back at him. 

“You always were harsh.” Brian chuckled, causing John to do the same 

“Always got you to do what I wanted, though.” John smirked, leaning up to kiss Brian’s nose. 

The rest of the morning went by rather smoothly; John and Brian took the kids to get groceries for both houses, and Brian remained in rather high spirits. John decided to take the kids home, instead of having them stay with Brian until Wednesday, like originally planned. John explained to Brian he had to make an appointment with a therapist and call John periodically for a little while, but they had made plans for Brian to have the kids on the weekend. John got home with the kids, Roger having just stepped out of his and John’s room, wearing comfier clothes now than what he’d worn to the studio. 

As soon as he saw him, Thomas went flying into Roger’s arms - even now he was turning eight, he got wildly excited to see Roger - especially if he’d spent a bit of time away. John did his best not to get offended - but it didn’t really warm his heart. 

“Hey bud!” Roger smiled widely, bending over to pick Thomas up. “Did you have fun at your dad’s?” Thomas nodded eagerly, climbing up Roger to sit comfortably in his arms. “How are my little princesses?” Roger grinned, one hand on Elizabeth’s head. “Who had a math test today? How did we do?” He questioned, looking between the twins with a wide grin.

“We didn’t go to school today.” Victoria replied; Roger looked at them a bit confused before glancing up at John 

“Dad forgot to take them to school… he was in bed.” John whispered, seeing the way Roger’s face shifted to disgust and anger. 

“I’m gonna give Brian a call.” Roger said softly, placing Thomas down. 

“Don’t.” John said quickly, trying to keep his voice calm enough that the kids weren’t too aware of the kind of conversation they were having. “I spoke to him - don’t get involved.” He added 

“Don’t get involved when my kids are missing out on their education because their slob of a father can’t make it out of bed in the morning?” Roger questioned, his voice now raised and words harsh. It was one of the only things John disliked about Roger - that he could never seem to just cut Brian some slack, and that he sometimes struggled to keep those feelings about him away from the kids. 

“They’re not your kids.” John snapped back under his breath. Roger looked at him hurt and angry for a moment, before storming off to their bedroom. John groaned softly, before moving to the kitchen to start unpacking groceries. John was in the pantry, putting away some pasta when he felt a gentle tap on his back; he turned to see Elizabeth standing meekly behind him. “What’s going on, darling?” John said softly, squatting to talk to her eye-level. 

“When is daddy not gonna be sick anymore?” Elizabeth whispered. John looked at her a little confused, and it appeared Elizabeth could tell, as she continued. “Tori said daddy stays in bed because he’s sick - is daddy gonna die like Freddie?” She questioned, panic in her eyes. John’s eyes widened and he was quick to scoop her up. 

“No, honey - god, no.” John said quickly, moving to sit her on the kitchen bench. “Daddy is just a bit sad at the moment - he’s not sick and he’s not going to die.” John assured; Elizabeth nodded, but she looked largely unsure. “How about after tea tonight, we can all sit down and talk about daddy and why he stays in bed sometimes? You can ask questions and we can make sure everyone knows that daddy is fine.” John questioned, receiving a quick nod from Elizabeth. 

“With Roger?” She queried, brows still tightly knit with worry. 

“Sure.” John said softly, popping a kiss on Elizabeth’s forehead, before lifting her back onto the ground and allowing her to run back upstairs. 

John knew Brian wasn’t fine - he knew with every part of him that Brian was probably the furthest from okay he’d ever been - and whilst it hurt John to lie to his kids, he would never, ever tell them that. He solemnly finished putting away the groceries before he slowly made his way up to his and Roger’s bedroom. He gently pushed the door to see Roger lying propped up on the bed, staring at the wall before him. 

“You know we have a television in here to avoid this.” John said softly, a weak grin on his face to try and break the ice. Roger looked over at him with a sad look, that had John feeling like the worst person alive. “Rog, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-” John mumbled, quickly cut off by Roger. 

“You did mean it - you’ve always meant it, John.” Roger said seriously, standing from the bed. “I don’t want to have this conversation with you again, because I’m always the one that loses out in the end.” Roger mumbled, walking past John before he could even defend himself. 

“Roger - the kids want to talk with you.” John practically whispered. 

“They do? Have them talk to their dad.” Roger spat as he slammed the bedroom door behind him. John clenched his jaw tightly as he tried to stop himself from crying. 

John felt like the walls of his bedroom were getting closer and closer to him. He could hear as Roger marched down the stairs and out the front door, getting in his car and driving away; he could hear the kids talking quietly in the next room over, wondering where Roger was going and why he was so angry. John felt isolated; he could feel himself suffocating in his own home. All he wanted was a nice, neat little family - and whilst he’d _never_ act on it, the only way he’d get that was with Brian out of the picture. He’d never do that to his kids, but he did feel like whatever he was subjecting them to at this point, might be even worse. Right now, John just wanted someone to be there - for him. He was constantly playing mediator between Brian and Roger, while trying to keep three tiny humans who were dependent on him alive. Sure, Roger was a great help - more than just a ‘help’, and John knew that. Though he’d never say it out loud, Roger was more of a father than Brian. Then again, Roger was sometimes more of a father than John himself. Sometimes, John felt like he was so busy making sure Brian was okay that he’d forgotten that the best part of having kids was actually getting to spend time with them, having fun - rather than sadly picking them up from their father’s and having to remind them that everything was okay when the lifestyle he’d provided them had given one of three severe anxiety. John could feel himself starting to panic - like, really panic. He knew the kids were just next door, and without Roger there, he couldn’t just shut down. He held his body tightly, trying to stop himself from breaking down all together. He walked slowly to the phone beside their bed and dialled, waiting nervously. 

“Hello?” Brian’s voice was quiet, but it wasn’t sleep-ridden and laden with sadness, which had John hopeful. “Are you in bed?” he questioned, taking a shaky breath to try and stop himself from crying. 

“No.” Brian said softly, almost like he was confused. “I just finished putting away the groceries - I think I’m going to make some lunch. Why; what have I forgotten now?” Brian chuckled softly, stopping when the line went more-or-less silent. 

“Do you think - and you don’t have… but, do you think you could come over?” John mumbled, his voice a little croaky. There was a moment of quiet, John worried that whilst Brian was sounding better, that didn’t mean he’d want to come and tend to John. 

“Y-yeah… I’ll be right over.” Brian said quickly, the line going dead; leaving John to sit there motionless, phone to his ear.


	3. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John leans on Brian when he himself can barely stand; it all goes down it flames, but maybe that's for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this next chapter - it's a bit intense, but sometimes that's what happens in these situations. Please let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions! Thanks to 'nastyhobbit' for some of the ideas in this chapter 
> 
> Much love, Ava :) x

John heard the car pull up, and hoped Roger had left the door open; he slowly made his way to the top of the stairs just in case. He saw as Brian let himself in and the three children - obviously conspiring - came out onto the landing of the staircase - presumably to see if Roger was home. Seeing it was Brian only seemed to excite them more, as John watched as they went running down the stairs, all screaming. 

“Daddy!” The chorus rang as the three small children sprinted down the stairs and into Brian’s arm, climbing over him. John couldn’t help but smile; they’d only left Brian’s house a few hours ago, and the kids were over-the-moon to see him again. They loved Brian despite everything he was going through - mostly because they didn’t know about it. He sometimes wished Roger would take a page from the kids’ books and forgive some of Brian’s mistakes. 

John couldn’t always blame him though; growing up, the two of them had been stuck to one another like glue. They’d been the absolute best of friends, but they had also expected a lot of each other - in regard to Queen and outside of it. It had only been made more apparent after John and Brian split; as John and Roger got closer, Brian became all the more watchful over his best friend - still obviously wanting to best for John. For those few years before Freddie passed and Brian fell apart, he consistently demanded a lot of Roger when it came to John. Now, perhaps, this was Roger’s payback for all those years of lectures and nagging - John did however, find it a bit too harsh to be reasoned that way. 

“Daddy, come look at my room!” Elizabeth said excitedly; and John thought that if it meant Elizabeth wasn’t stressed out anymore, that Brian should never leave. 

“Hang on, darling; I just need to speak to papa first. Is that okay?” Brian asked, his lanky limbs folded into a squat so that he was the same height as his daughter. Elizabeth nodded quickly. “You go wait in the lounge room… daddy will be there soon.” Brian whispered, pecking her forehead before standing up. As Elizabeth disappeared into their sitting room, Brian glanced up at John; who looked and felt so guilty for calling him down.

“Come here.” Brian said softly, taking a few steps closer to the bottom of the stairs, his long arms outstretched. John slowly made his way down the stairs, allowing himself to be enveloped in Brian’s arms when he finally made it. 

“I’m sorry.” John whispered; he could feel Brian shaking his head as a few curls tickled his forehead. “I know I shouldn’t have asked you down here - you’re dealing with your own stuff. I just… I think I’m losing it.” John mumbled sadly 

“You don’t have to be sorry, John. I’m glad you called.” Brian whispered, beginning to gently rub John’s back. “I would hate to think that you wouldn’t; so busy looking after everyone else.” Brian added, and John could hear the sadness is his voice. John let out a sigh of his own before Brian placed a gentle hand on his back and slowly walked him towards the lounge room. “Do you want a cup of tea?” Brian questioned, John quick to shake his head. 

“Just sit.” John mumbled, feeling like he really just needed the presence of someone who didn’t need him. Although he knew that wasn’t necessarily Brian at this point in his life, it wasn’t as if he was a tiny dependent human; or at least not a tiny one, John thought. The main difference he assumed, between Brian and the kids - and Roger too, perhaps - was that despite Brian’s life being in near ruins, he never expected anything of John. He never assumed John was going to rock up at his place and force him out of bed - he never expected John to come in and fix everything when all the kids had eaten was cereal - but he did, and Brian was grateful. Not that John felt his children weren’t grateful; but they were small, and largely unaware of the adult problems in the world. John also didn’t consider Roger ungrateful, but he felt maybe the older man didn’t always quite understand where John was coming from when desperately trying to juggle his less-than nuclear family. 

Brian willingly obeyed, sitting beside John. Before either of them could so much as look at each other, Elizabeth had climbed onto Brian’s lap, hand comfortingly in his curls that she also possessed. Brian smiled down at her sweetly. 

“Hi, honey. Can daddy please just talk to papa for a little bit and then he’ll come play with you?” Brian asked, looking into her giant eyes, now a little sad. “Please, darling - papa’s a bit sad and I need to make him feel better.” He said softly, placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. 

“When Roger gets home, we’re going to talk about why you’re sad, daddy.” Elizabeth said confidently, and John bit his lip hard, expecting Brian to be offended or upset. He simply nodded as he carefully lifted her onto the ground, not wanting her to take his hair with her. 

“That’s a good idea, princess. Now, why don’t you and your sister and brother go and play for a little bit.” Brian mumbled, receiving a quick nod from Elizabeth, who moved to where Victoria and Thomas were quietly bickering about something. 

“I’m sorry.” John said softly, praying Brian wasn’t secretly mad that he and Roger had plans to discuss Brian’s obvious depression with their children. Brian gave him a coy smile and shook his head a little. 

“It’s fine; I think the fact that you can have that conversation with them says a lot about you as a parent - Roger too.” Brian said softly, placing a gentle hand on John’s knee. “I’ll forever be in awe of how effortlessly good at this you are.” Brian chuckled, but with admiration in his eyes. John chuckled back and shook his head. 

“It’s all those years of practice when you and Roger are out being rockstars. I think Freddie passing away gave me a lot of perspective - made me a better dad, even.” He grinned, before placing his hand on top of Brian’s. “But, I promise it’s not effortless - not by a long shot.” John added, looking towards the three kids. “But, thank you - that really means a lot.” John whispered, his cheeks in a slight blush. 

“That’s only the tip of the iceberg, Deaky.” Brian said quickly, causing John to look him right in the eye. “I could go on forever about what an amazing father… and I’m sure husband… that you are. Roger and the kids are very lucky to have you.” Brian gushed, glancing at John who wore a someone taken aback smile. 

“You haven’t called me Deaky in years.” He chuckled. “Not since we…” John added, a surprised smile on his face. 

“Maybe Freddie passing away gave me some perspective too…” Brian trailed off, his voice somewhere John couldn’t quite place. John looked at him a little unsure, worried Brian might be spouting nonsense because he had truly lost it. John resorted to just nodding, unsure whether to try and make reason of what Brian was getting at. “Maybe it was the perspective we all needed… to see what we all truly need.” Brian mumbled, his grip on John’s hand tightening. 

“What do you mean, Bri?” John queried, looking at his ex-partner with considerable concern. 

“Maybe we were wrong to separate… I feel like we were wrong to just… to just throw everything away like that, you know?” Brian said, a little louder than John would have liked when the kids were not 5 metres away. John let out a nervous chuckle, trying his best to slip his hand from Brian’s grasp. 

“Brian… don’t be silly.” John mumbled, but his voice was clearly unsettled. 

“I’m not, John - think about it.” Brian said seriously, and it was that seriousness that worried John. He looked towards the kids, glad to see they were still mindless playing with one another and not focused; because he knew if Elizabeth caught wind of such a conversation, it would undo all the hard work he and Roger had done in assuring her things wouldn’t change again. “John - all of this that’s happened… it’s just made me realise how much I love you - and how wrong I was to let you slip away the first time.” Brian assured, his hand on John’s like a vice. 

“Brian, you don’t love me like that… you know you don’t.” John said carefully, knowing after all the years of fighting that Brian was surely just losing his mind. “That flame died years ago; and we tried - we tried and tried and we tried, and it didn’t work… it’s never going to work, Bri.” John said quietly, unable to look Brian in his likely sad and defeated eyes. 

“It’s different now.” Brian assured, causing John to look at his to see no signs of defeat. “The kids are older - Freddie’s-... he’s gone…” Brian mumbled, looking at his fiddling hands for a moment. 

“Brian…” John said quietly, trying not to sound as if he was scolding. “That can’t be what this is about… I know losing Freddie hurts - it hurt everyone - but that’s not a reason to get back together.” John mumbled, knowing he was consciously hurting Brian - but, despite feeling a little glum, he had a clear enough head to know he and Brian were _not_ meant to be getting back together. 

“That’s not the reason.” Brian said quickly confidently, but the shaking in his voice made John’s stomach knot up. “I love you… I want you - I want us and our family back the way it should be.” Brian added, and now it was John that was assuredly gripping Brian’s hand to ensure he wasn’t going off some metaphorical deep end. 

“Brian, please don’t do this - I’m really happy.” John whispered, instantly seeing the way Brian’s face went a little dark

“What about me?” Brian questioned, looking at his ex-lover with furrowed brows. 

“Brian.” John pleaded softly, not wanting to broach this subject when Brian seemed so fragile. 

“No!” Brian snapped, far louder than was necessary, causing John to flinch and the kids to look towards their fathers. “Don’t I get to be happy?” He questioned, eyeing John with a look that unsettled him greatly. “Hey, John?” Brian questioned. 

“Brian, you’re scaring me.” John whispered, holding his hands with a vice like grip out of worry. 

“Don’t I get to be happy?” He repeated, his voice booming with decibels, but shaking with instability. 

“You will, Brian - I just-“ John tried to reason, but was quickly shut down by Brian’s hand be ripped from Johns grip. 

“When, John? It’s been five fucking years!” Brian snapped, the children’s eyes now trained on their dad. John was shaking with both fear and panic; whilst he was a little cautious of Brian in such a manic state, he was more worried about him leaving his sight and potentially doing something stupid. 

“Brian, please stop.” John whispered, trying again to place his hands gently and soothingly on Brian’s. 

It was at this moment the front door opened, Roger coming in; Roger saw the scene before him and moved to quickly to the children, who all looked a little panicked. 

“Hey, guys - let go upstairs.” Roger said calmly, as if none of what was happening before them mattered. “C’mon.” He whispered, scooping up Thomas and making haste to usher away Victoria and Elizabeth. “You guys go upstairs and get ready for baths and showers, please.” John heard him mumbled as the kids headed up the stairs. Roger turned once they were out of sight and moved to pull John to his feet and away from Brian, placing himself between them. 

“What is going on?” He said seriously, eyes dark on Brian. 

“It’s fine.” John mumbled 

“It’s not - he looks like a literal crazy person and you’ve clearly been crying. And you expect your kids to come home to you like this?” He said, directed at Brian. “Your kids? Right - your kids, my ass.” Roger snapped, a foot’s distance away from shoving Brian. 

“That’s because you walked right in and decided you needed to be dad of the year; you took my kids from me.” Brian snapped, and as much as it had little to do with Roger, all of Brian’s anger was pointed at him. 

“Yeah, because you couldn’t even be dad of the fucking minute, you wanker.” Roger yelled. “I didn’t take your kids away; I _stopped_ them from getting taken away!” He continued, John swallowing his bile as Brian stood up. 

“Fuck off, Roger. At least someone actually wanted to have kids with me. You think you’re doing such a great job? You’re they’re step-dad - you’re a glorified uncle; you’re not their father and you never will be.” Brian spat, words spewing from his mouth like poison. Roger’s face went unreadable, and John was almost afraid to look.

“Thomas calls me dad.” Roger said quickly, like he wasn’t even processing the words that fell from his lips. John’s eyes widened and now it was his turn to step between them.

“Go upstairs.” John snapped, receiving a look of disbelief from Roger. “Roger - go.” He said seriously, staring down his fiancée as he trudged up the stairs. An uncomfortable silence fell over the two of them, and John was back to feeling like he was suffocating. He glanced to Brian, to see the man far from manic, and inexplicably broken. 

“I’m so-” John began, stopping as Brian slowly sat, his stare distant, as if he could only process one action at a time. 

“Is that true?” Brian questioned, after what felt like the longest silence. John was quick to sit down, panic rushing through him faster than he knew what to do with it. 

“Kind of, but…” He began, his hands finding a place on Brian’s knees. “It’s only sometimes… and it’s recent.” John mumbled quickly. “We haven’t encouraged it!” He added a little too forcefully, the guilt oozing out of him like lava. “It just happened and I’m so sorry, Bri.” John mumbled, running his clammy hands along Brian’s clothed knees. He watched as Brian’s hands crept to meet his, shaky as he grasped John’s nervous fingers. “The kids love you.” John assured, squeezing the lanky fingers in his grasp. “Roger and I love you too… but, you need to go get some help, Brian.” John mumbled, shuffling a little closer to place a hand on Brian’s back. “That was really scary… and I won’t have that be something the kids might be exposed to.” John whispered, looking at the way Brian’s face soured completely with guilt. 

“I know…” Brian whispered; John was slightly taken aback, considered the idea of even speaking to someone had thus far been met with complete disagreeance.

“Will you go somewhere… just for a little while? As soon as your better, you can come home - come here, even?” John said quietly, not wanting to set Brian off when he was finally at the point of agreeing. Brian just nodded, slowly standing up. 

“I’m feeling a bit unwell - I think I need to go home.” Brian whispered, his arms quickly being gripped my John. 

“No.” John said quietly, shakily running a soothing hand over Brian’s arm. “I don’t want you driving home - I don’t want you being alone right now. Can you just stay here? You can have a lie down in the spare room.” John practically begged; it took a few moments, but Brian found himself nodding, allowing John to slowly lead him upstairs.

__________ 

John walked slowly into his and Roger’s bedroom; he had been with Brian for hours, trying to get him relaxed enough that he felt it morally right to leave him. By 10 o’clock, Brian had fallen asleep, and thankfully Roger had tended to all-things-children. John let out a loud sigh as he flopped onto the bed, kicking his shoes off the side of it. Roger was sitting in bed, reading, his glasses perched on his small nose; he glanced down at the younger man and smiled softly. 

“All better?” He questioned, causing John to let out another sigh as he crawled a little closer to Roger. 

“He’s agreed to see someone… so, hopefully we’re getting there.” John mumbled, pressing his face into Roger’s neck, leaving a few small kisses. Roger removed his glasses and put his book down, shifting to wrap an arm around John. A comfortable silence fell over them for a little while, the pair occasionally sharing a chaste kiss or sweet smile. Eventually, it was Roger who broke the silence; John had been expecting it - his face had been far too thoughtful for the past few moments.

“Do you not want us to have kids?” Roger questioned, his tone a little hesitant. John let out a sad sigh and adjusted so he was better able to look Roger in the face. 

“Rog, baby… it’s not-” He cut himself off, looking at his hands as he fiddled with the sliver of exposed bedsheet between their bodies. “It’s not you - I promise… there’s just so much going on right now that I don’t think it would be right to try and bring more children into the world.” John sighed, glancing up at Roger, who didn’t look as upset as he’d expected. “You are the absolute last thing that’s stopping me from having kids with you - I want it more than anything, it’s just-” John continued, clearly starting to work himself up to the point of rambling. 

“It’s just hard right now - I get it.” Roger whispered, placing a careful finger over John’s lips, his other hand cradling the younger man’s face. “I just needed to know it wasn’t me.” Roger grinned, leaning forward to peck John’s lips with a small smile. “I love you.” He added sweetly. 

“I love you too.” John responded, but didn’t settle back into the bed the way Roger did. 

“What?” Roger questioned, sensing the unease in his fiance. 

“I can’t believe you told Brian that Thomas calls you dad.” John sighed, placing his head in his hands. “We agreed not to tell him.” He added, causing Roger to sit back up. 

“I know.” Roger mumbled, sounding a little guilty. “He just made me so mad.” He sighed, tipping his head back against the headboard. 

“It doesn’t matter - you shouldn’t have let yourself get that angry.” John sighed, shuffling a little bit to be closer to Roger; where Brian and John had never been one for considerable affection, John honestly thought he’d never get tired of being uncomfortably close to Roger. 

“I know… you don’t need to be mad at me about it, I’m mad at myself. What does that teach the kids? That it’s okay to say hurtful things when you’re upset?” Roger sighed, clearly bothered by what had happened. “That’s my best friend… I just- I can’t get over how mad it makes me that he gets to be so unconditionally loved by those kids when he’s the worst example of a father I’ve ever seen.” Roger groaned, throwing his hands in the air slightly. John let out a small chuckle, causing Roger to look at him confused. 

“You’re also unconditionally loved by those kids, you big dummy. Kids see the best in everyone - otherwise they’d be calling you butthead instead of dad.” John smirked, managing to get a smile out of Roger. The room became comfortably still until John spoke up again. 

“Just think about what it would have been like if it were me left in Brian’s position…” John muttered, Roger’s eyes flicking to him. 

“John, don’t.” Roger warned, his eyes a little sad. 

“I’m serious, Rog. It’s not like it’s an unrealistic thought; you were just as promiscuous as Freddie back then - it could have just as easily been you.” John mumbled, and Roger felt his stomach knot up a little at the thought. “If it had been, would you have wanted Brian and Freddie to push me to the wayside? Do you think Freddie - _my_ best friend - would have let that happen?”John questioned, eyes training on Roger and eyebrows raised. Roger shook his head guiltily. 

“Freddie would hate me if he saw how I treated Brian.” Roger mumbled, his face contorting to a level of sadness that John didn’t want to see the older man wear. 

“I’m sure he can see…” John mumbled, running a hand softly along Roger’s arm. “But, I’m also sure that he understands how you feel.” He added, waiting until Roger looked up at him to give him a quick grin. “He loved the kids just as much as you do… I’m sure he’s proud of you for stepping up and making sure they always come first. If it wasn’t for you… I don’t think it could do it on my own.” John admitted. “You’re a great dad, Rog.”


	4. Phone Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian is where he needs to be, but it doesn't make it easier on anyone. In fact, it's making Roger realise what he's lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry I went AWOL - I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out. On the brightside, I've had plenty of time to write haha. Let me know what you think of this chapter - it's a bit slow, but it's setting up for stuff later! 
> 
> Also, I've written a new fic called 'The Tests of Fate' - it's basically a young adult novel turned into an AU, but I had a bunch of fun writing it, and it's definitely a very different premise than what I usually write. Go check that out and let me know what you think! 
> 
> Much love, Ava :) x

Things at home had been better, and John felt terrible for even thinking like that. Roger continuously tried to remind John that he wasn’t a monster for being happy. 

_You said yourself: this is the only way for things to get better - they’re getting better, and you’re allowed to be content with that._

It didn’t matter to John; Brian was in some psych ward halfway across the world. They’d gotten to talk on the phone a few days ago - the first time since Brian had been voluntarily admitted two weeks ago. Those 11 days had been what John considered torture; he’d have taken their divorce - nine times over, even - before he went another 11 days without speaking to Brian. When on the phone, the first thing Brian did was ask about the kids, and if John would consider letting them talk on the phone when things got a little better. John said he’d think about it, but Roger and John had decided it would probably be best to keep the kids out of everything; but such was made harder but how relentless their questions were. 

_When do we get to go back to daddy’s?_

_Is daddy still sick? _

_When is dad going to pick me up from school?_

It broke John’s heart, but he had managed to tactfully dodge all the questions with a bold face - and Roger’s assistance. But, as they sat around the kitchen island, eating their breakfast, John and Roger weren’t the slightest bit prepared for the barrage of a question - especially from Victoria. 

“Is daddy not coming back because he’s angry at us?” Victoria asked, her bottom lip quivering. John’s eyes widened, his heart hurting too much for his mouth to operate. 

“No, baby girl. Not at all!” Roger said quickly, moving to stand close enough to her to have a serious conversation. “Daddy isn’t angry at anyone… daddy is just…” Roger sighed, trying to find the right words, really wishing they’d gotten to have that talk about Brian being sad before all of this occurred. “Daddy’s heart is sick… and it makes him sad; so, he’s going to go to the hospital and get better. Daddy has to stay at the hospital until his heart isn’t sick and he’s not sad anymore.” Roger whispered, glancing at all three kids who were listening intently. John watched as Roger’s eyes darted to the floor for a moment, like his own words had soothed him too. “Daddy just needs a little bit of time… then he’s going to be the best daddy in the world.” Roger whispered, placing a gentle kiss on the foreheads of all three kids. John couldn’t help but smile at Roger, who moved over to John with a face that suggested he was holding back tears. 

“I’m sorry.” Roger whispered, leaning up to peck John’s jaw, receiving a quiet chorus of ‘ew’s’ from their children. As much as John wasn’t sure Roger would ever admit it, it seemed he struggling just as much not knowing for certain that Brian was okay. John wrapped his arm around Roger’s waist, pulling the older man tight against his body. 

“It’s okay - we’re doing the right thing, Rog.” John whispered, just as much telling himself as he was Roger. Roger nodded a little in response, his eyes visibly wet. 

“I think I’m just going to… I’ll be upstairs.” Roger whispered, John gave him a slight nod and allowed his hand to remain on his partner’s back until he was out of reach. 

“Papa… can we go to the park today?” Thomas questioned, appropriately unaware of Roger’s tearful exit. John smiled down at his son. 

“We can go _if_ you get all your homework done before school tomorrow.” John smiled softly, receiving a gentle groan from his son.

~~~~~~~~~~

They’d just returned from the park, Roger seemingly in higher spirits when playing with the children. He glanced at Roger, who had Thomas on his shoulders. 

“I think it should be about 9 in Arizona.” John whispered, eyes flicking to his watch to confirm that it has just gone 5pm. Roger was quick to nod, lifting Thomas from his shoulder to sit on his hip. 

“I’ll get the kids bathed and ready for bed.” Roger whispered, leaning over to kiss John with a little more passion that was warranted, given the child on his other side. 

“Ew!” Thomas said loudly, putting his hand on John’s chest in an attempt to push them apart. John pulled away from Roger, both of them laughing quietly. 

“We can swap after, if you want. I’ll put the kids to bed and you can… chat.” John said softly, smiling at Roger sweetly. Roger and John had decided not to let the kids know that they had been talking to Brian on the phone; it wasn’t that they wanted to keep them from him, but John had only just been able to speak with him, and he didn’t want anything affecting Brian at the moment. Roger took the kids upstairs, mumbling kindly to them about bubbles and pyjamas. 

“Do you think we could watch a movie after, dad?” Thomas questioned, still attached to Roger’s hip. John didn’t quite catch Roger’s reply as they ascended the stairs, but his heart was a mix of endearment and guilt as he reached for the phone. He dialled the number that was on the business card magnetised to their fridge and held the receiver to his ear with nervous patience. It rang once, and then twice; by the third ring, John was starting to get more ansty, his hands tapping incessantly over the table. 

“Cottonwood Tucson Treatment Centre, you’re speaking with Shelley - how can I help you?” John heard himself breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Hello, I’m- I’m calling to speak with Brian… Brian May. It’s John - his ex-husband.” John stammered, his face a little flushed with previous worry. He heard the far off sound of a keyboard tapping, and waited for the woman to speak again. 

“Mr. Deacon? I’ll just get you to verify some details and I’ll pop you through.” She responded; John answered a few necessary questions and was sent on to what he assumed was a phone in Brian’s room. 

“Hello.” His voice was quiet, but quite expectant, considering John was the only person that was going to call. 

“Hi, Bri.” John smiled into the phone as he sat down. “How are you doing?” John asked, trying to ensure he didn’t sound like he was pitying the older man. He reached over to the phone book, pulling a small notepad out from underneath it. When Brian left, he’d made John promise he would keep him updated on everything in the kids lives; so, John had since kept a notepad full of everything he needed to tell Brian so he wouldn’t forget. 

“I’m good. I’ve got a counselling session in about 10 minutes.” Brian mumbled. “What about you guys?” He added, much preferring to hear about the kids than talk about himself. 

“We’re doing pretty good.” John grinned. “Victoria got the lead in her school play, and Elizabeth started playing field hockey. Thomas got _another_ detention, but he also got an ‘A’ on his math test, so…” John chuckled, eyes scanning his little list. “The kids all miss you so much… they ask about you constantly.” John grinned. 

“Sorry.” Brian responded, but John could hear the smile in his voice. 

“No, no!” John said quickly, a wide smile on his face. “It’s a good thing!” John assured. “They can’t wait for you to come home; so, when you do it’ll be just like before.” He added, hearing Brian chuckle softly on the other end of the phone. 

“Do you think I could speak to them? Not now, but… soon? I know you wanted them to stay away, but… I just want to hear them.” Brian said quietly, his voice now a little more solemn than before. The line went quiet for a moment, and John was left in considerable thought. “Please, John…” Brian added, almost inaudibly. 

“I guess so…” John mumbled. “I just don’t want to do anything that is going to hurt them… or hinder your ability to get better.” He sighed softly, waiting to see if Brian responded before continuing. “But, if you think it’s going to be for the best, then… I trust you to make that decision - for our kids, too.” John admitted, glancing at the photo of the five of them, which sat on their mantlepiece. 

“I’d really like that.” Brian whispered, keeping the smile on John’s face whether he liked it or not. “I should probably start getting ready to go… I’m really sorry. I really appreciate that you called.” Brian said genuinely. 

“No, that’s okay. Maybe you can give us a call when you’re free later tonight? I know Roger wants to talk to you.” John said softly, biting his lip a little tentatively. 

“Roger? He wants to talk to me?” Brian asked, confusion evident in his voice. 

“Yeah.” John assured. “I think you being gone has made him realise how much he likes having you around… even if he’s god-awful at showing it.” John chuckled, hearing Brian quietly do the same. “But don’t ask me what he plans on talking about.” John added, smiling. 

“We did have some words about another tour before I left.” Brian explained, joviality in his tone; John scoffed playfully. 

“Of course you were - can’t keep you two off the road for anything.” John smirked slightly, trying to remain positive for Brian, despite the thought of his two best friends shipping off for another three months making his stomach knot up. “I’ll get him on the phone whenever you get a chance to call back, okay?” John questioned. 

“Yeah, sounds good.” Brian responded. “Love and miss you all.” He added, his voice a little soft and shy. 

“We love and miss you too, Bri.” John said genuinely, before they both hung up. John leant back in his chair, head propped against the back of the armchair. He breathed a loud sigh, hoping that things were finally going to be all better… or at least back to the way they were.


	5. Mending Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian seems to be doing better; is that enough to mend his and Roger's tumultuous relationship?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you like this chapter - it's a bit slower, I think; but, it'll hopefully set up for future chapters. 
> 
> I'm just about to update 'I've Got Everything I Need', and if you haven't already, go check out my newest fic 'The Tests of Fate'. 
> 
> Much love, Ava :) x

John was upstairs getting the kids ready the next morning, helping Thomas tie the tie his god-awful preparatory school insisted on putting an eight year old in. Just as he had his nimble fingers intricately wrapped around the fabric, he heard the phone begin to ring from the downstairs living room. 

“Roger - baby, could you get that?” He called, not entirely sure where Roger was, and hoping he wasn’t still asleep or out in his studio. Thankfully, John heard the ringing stop quickly and a gentle voice replace it’s space. 

“Hello, Roger speaking.” John listened carefully, trying to remain focused on Thomas’ tie, whilst making sense of a conversation he could only hear half of. “No, no; this is the right number. John is my partner - I’ll go get him.” John heard, before such sound was replaced by gentle footsteps. John had just finished Thomas’ tie as Roger reached the door frame. John stood and spun around, eyebrows raised in question. “It’s the treatment centre.” Roger said softly; John’s wide eyes quickly turned to panic. 

“What’s wrong?” He said quickly, taking a tentative step away from the door, as if trying to put distance between himself and the phone. 

“Nothing, I don’t think - they mentioned putting Brian through…” Roger mumbled, moving closer to his partner to place a comforting hand on his arm. John breathed a considerable sigh of relief and let a smile spread across his face. 

“He’s just calling to talk to you.” John said softly. “You can go down and chat - I’ll finish getting the kids ready.” He smiled, receiving a small nod from Roger before the older man disappeared out the door. John turned around to see Thomas struggling with his shoelaces, before bending down to help him. Once he was finished, he stood up and looked down at Thomas. “Breakfast?” He questioned, receiving an enthusiastic nod from the boy. “Go get your sisters.” He instructed, before turning and heading down the stairs to get breakfast ready. John made sure he walked quietly past the lounge room, partly to not disturb Roger, but mostly so he could listen in on what he and Brian were discussing. 

“Yeah, he’s doing… okay.” Roger said tentatively. “Definitely better.” The older man added; John leant against the kitchen counter, trying to deduce what they were talking about. “He talks about you constantly.” Roger chuckled. “You’d think you were still married.” He spoke teasingly. John’s face went flushed, realising they were talking about him. He wasn’t sure whether to quickly scoot away so he wouldn’t find out what his future and ex-husband were talking about, or whether to listen closer. “No, it’s fine; we’re all really glad you’re getting some help. We can’t- I can’t wait until you’re home - I really miss you.” Roger said softly, his voice positive but serious. It was at this point that little scampering feet came running into the open living and kitchen area; Roger turned to see John and the kids and quickly stood up. “So, yeah… the tour - I think that’ll be fine.” Roger muttered, swiftly moving from the kitchen and living area to their separate dining area. John’s brows furrowed, glancing over at where Roger had disappeared to, as he got out some cereal and milk for the kids. He poured the kids their breakfast, cutting up a little bit of banana before handing it to them and slowly wandering over to the dining room. 

“No, Brian - I am really sorry.” Roger said seriously, his back turned to the door that John was standing in. “I’ve treated you like crap for years now… but, we’re best friends. I should have been there to pick you up, not push you down further. I shouldn’t have let John get between… not that it’s his fault - it’s mine.” Roger explained, wandering around the dining room before slowly turning around, John ducking behind the door frame as he did so. “I want to help, Bri. I really, really do - that’s what friends are for.” John could hear in Roger’s voice that he was getting a little choked up, and knowing Brian as well as he did, he was sure he was too. 

“Papa!” Victoria called from the kitchen, and John was quick to make his way back to his kids - fair sure he’d heard enough to know why Roger wanted to talk to Brian so bad. “Elizabeth’s crying again.” John frowned deeply as he reached the kitchen bench. 

“What’s wrong, princess?” John said sweetly, moving around the bench to wrap his arms around her. 

“I miss dad.” She whispered, her voice wavy with tears. John let out an undetectable sigh and lifted her off the bench and into his arms, realising his kids were starting to get too old to be held, based on the sweat breaking on his forehead. John didn’t want to lie to his kids, but he wasn’t sure what to do - and Roger was usually his voice of reason in times like this, as preposterous as that sounded. 

“Dad will be home soon, darling - I promise.” He whispered. _Okay; it was somewhat of a lie._ John didn’t _exactly_ know when Brian would be home; but “soon” was ambiguous enough for a 10 year old, right? John really hoped. “It’s just like when daddy and Roger go away to play music for everyone.” John whispered, placing his sizable hand on her small cheek, trying to soothe her. _Again; somewhat of a lie._ Brian was definitely not on tour, playing music around the world; but Elizabeth didn’t need to know that, right? John really did admire Brian even _trying_ to be a single parent, because even Roger being in the other room made him feel rather useless. 

“You’re being a baby.” Victoria mumbled, eating her breakfast. 

“That’s not very nice, Victoria. Your sister is upset. If you were upset would you like it if she called you a baby?” John queried, trying to be stern with one child and comforting to the other, and feeling like he was largely failing. 

“I don’t get upset about _baby_ stuff!” She teased, pushing Elizabeth the the side a little. 

“Hey!” The voice was loud despite it coming from the opposite end of the kitchen. “We _do not_ hit each other.” Roger said sternly as he walked over to the breakfast bar. “You need to apologise to your sister, right now.” He added, the phone still engaged on his shoulder. There was a part of John that was worried that Brian would appreciate hearing Roger discipline his children, but he was mostly grateful for him for stepping in. Roger moved to stand in front of Victoria, handing the phone to John before lifting her onto the bar, so they were closer to eye level. John looked from Roger to the phone in his hand with confusion, before Roger leant back towards his husband. 

“Go talk to Brian and calm down - you need a break.” Roger whispered, pecking his cheek. John started to walk off, still a little confused; Roger was always willing to assist with the kids, even when John wasn’t around, but he’d never explicitly told John that he deserved a break. _What on earth were they talking about?_

“Hello?” John mumbled, his voice a little soft and confused as he ventured out to the dining room. 

“Hi, love. Are you okay?” Brian said quietly, his voice sounding so pleasant and reassuring on the phone that John found himself quickly calming down. 

“I’m fine.” He mumbled, slowly moving to sit on one of the dining chairs. “Is everything okay with you and Roger?” John questioned, leaning on the table as he waited a little nervously for Brian’s reply. 

“Yeah!” Brian said quickly. “We only had a quick chat, but I think things might start to go back to the way they were before.” Brian added, the grin on his face evident in his voice. 

“That’s really good, Bri.” John mumbled, but he was most definitely smiling. 

“Is everything okay with the kids?” Brian queried, his tone shifting to something a little more sombre. 

“Uhh… I don’t know.” John admitted. “Elizabeth isn’t really coping with all the drama - she really misses you.” John whispered, definitely feeling like he was struggling and failing as a parent; he also hated having to admit that to Brian when he’d been so harsh on him as a father. 

“Maybe she needs to speak to someone… a professional.” Brian said softly, his voice also sounding a little unsure. John went quiet, his eyes scanning the room a little frantically as he thought. 

“I don’t know, Brian… she’s so young.” John sighed, feeling a lump arising in his throat at the thought of the drama of his life affecting his kids. “I just wish there was something I could do… I feel like I’m letting them down.” John sighed, knowing he absolutely shouldn’t be unloaded on Brian of all people. “It’s hard when Victoria is so…” John trailed off, unsure how to explain to Brian his predicament. 

“Roger.” Brian smirked, such a brash statement causing John to smile softly. “Roger might not have created them, but he sure has done everything in his power to create tiny versions of himself.” Brian chuckled, John doing the same. “And poor Elizabeth managed to get your anxiety and my mental instability.” He added, his voice a little sadder. John let out a shaky sigh as the line went a little quieter. 

“I really don’t want to take her to see someone… I feel like that’ll become her whole life.” John mumbled. “I want to know that it’s not just all this drama that’s go her all bothered.” 

“I understand, John. It’s hard, and I completely agree with you.” Brian assured, and for a moment John completely forgot their current situation; it felt like he and Brian were simply father’s together, talking about what was best for their children… which John supposed, they were. “There’s a woman here… her kids are a bit older, but she’s been gone for a lot longer than I have.” Brian began, John listening intently and very unsure where Brian was headed. Part of him was worried Brian was about to tell him a story about a woman whose parents didn’t get her help and now she lived at a rehabilitation centre; it made his chest feel a little tighter. “They make and send her these books that they call ‘While You Were Away’ Journals.” Brian said softly, and John felt himself calming down a little. “It’s pictures and letters and even certificates and awards her kids get at school. It’s all very sweet and she said it helps her kids feel like they still get to have her in their life.” Brian added. “Maybe the kids would like doing that… maybe it’ll make Elizabeth feel better.” 

“I really like that idea.” John whispered, a gentle smile on his lips. “I really think that’ll help.” He added, feeling genuinely at ease. 

John knew he and Brian weren’t meant to be together; 5 years of fighting and low-blows had done enough to convince him. But, there was something about Brian’s ability to be logical - which was definitely lost on Roger - that John appreciated in times like this. 

“I love you.” John whispered, this smile never leaving his lips. 

“I love you too.” Brian responded; John could hear the smile in his tone. “Go be with your family, John - I’ll talk to you later.” Brian added before the line went dead. 

John knew Brian was getting the help me needed; but he would have given his own sanity to have Brian back home.


End file.
